


I'm Just a Never Was and Never Will Be.

by Emaisnialleraf



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 9-1-1 Season 3, Aggressive Eddie Diaz, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Backstory for Buck, Christopher and Buck moment, Emotional Hurt, Goodbyes, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt No Comfort, Not Canon Compliant, Sad Christopher Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, takes place around the lawsuit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:00:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24350212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emaisnialleraf/pseuds/Emaisnialleraf
Summary: His future has no light.It's smothered in darkness and the walls are too tightly pressed to leak any sense of hope through.
Comments: 28
Kudos: 154
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> warning : I wrote this down, read through it once, and then posted it.  
> there is no editing, no real plot here, just a scramble of words splattered out across the page. 
> 
> also, its 3 am as I am about to post this so I'm not thinking very clearly.

Stepping into the house was harder than he expected it to be. Each push of his boots against the hardwood floor was heavier, weighing him down until the burden became too much to handle. He pressed a hand against the back of the couch and pretended as if there wasn’t a struggle in taking another step further into that familiar house. The threading under his skin was as it always was, worn down, yet soft enough for him to have slept on through all of these years. It almost made him nostalgic and he wanted to sink into the comfort of the cushions and forget everything he has thought about these last few weeks.  
Exhaustion was dragging him through the days in a blur and there was nothing able to anchor him back down to reality. Every obstacle shook another day off his calendar and every tear chipped a breath from his lungs. Never in his life had he felt so alone and undesired as he does in these exact moments. 

Thinking back he tried to configure when exactly his world had begun falling off its axis. He remembered his childhood, the way his parents struggled with him despite his attempts at being the perfect child. They tried to morph him into anything other than who he was and at times he too offered to change the way his mind was working; However, the words kept falling from his mouth and his choices were driving the edges further and further apart from each other. In all the years he spent at home they never grew love for him and he doesn’t even think deep down that he expected them to.  
They gave up on him and left him out to dry on his own. His neighbor taught him to drive at seventeen years old after he asked for a quick ride to school an abnormal amount of times. His best friend gave him the important talks down in their basement despite how awkward it began to get between the two of them. Mr. Robertson, his math teacher, got him his first job working at the school’s merchandise shop after he asked the boy why he couldn’t afford to go on yet another field trip that fall. And his first vacation? He jumped into his second girlfriends car senior year and almost broke down at the idea of going to New York City in person rather than his parents photo albums tucked in the cabinets.  
There were no milestones he experienced with his parents, there were no happy birthdays or holidays where he got gifts and hugs like every other child. Maddie never came to visit so he didn’t get a sibling relationship that taught him what it was like to have friendly competitions or best friends who stuck by you no matter the circumstances. Everyone left eventually and the ones forced to stick around didn’t even bother showing resentment or remorse.  
The only emotions that ran through the Buckley property when he was home were his own tears stained across his bed sheets. 

Getting to South America was a drastic change that he had almost given up the moment he grasped it.  
The long white beaches were as lonely as they were beautiful regardless of the thousands of feet that traveled them every year. His hands served so many glasses that he felt like he had a purpose for the first time in what seemed like his entire life. Something so small, so worthless, was a light leaking through the cracks of his existence. It fluttered through even though his mind was trying so desperately to keep it out and he let out that stale breath that had sat in his lungs for over twenty years.  
Only to be caught by Santiago Flores. 

Santiago was the first person to ever catch his eye indefinitely upon first glance. From his sun-toned blonde hair to his shaded blue eyes striking from across the counter he was one of the most beautiful people the American had ever met. From the honest and flirty personality to the wisdom that was aged well past his years, the man took the younger’s heart and kept it tucked safely in his own hands. It seemed like maybe for the first time someone had done that and it was probably what kept the boy so naive.  
They were inseparable for the first few months, doing everything together from working, to shopping, and even diving into the waves every chance they got. It was tough at first for him to fall into the relationship after the thought of his sexuality being drilled into his head, but self-confidence rushed through him like lightning every time his best friend had smiled at him in that one special way. Holding hands and kisses upon his cheek drove him into that relationship almost too heavily and when it crashed he lost himself in the abyss of agony.  
Watching the form fade away through the airport doors ripped his heart to shreds and tossed the remains on the dirty streets of the city. He wouldn’t let himself be that happy again and within the month he was off the continent and in another city. 

That didn’t lead him to much, the military another miserable crash deep into the debris of his soul. Emotions were something that kept him.. Well, him. Turning them off and becoming someone he was not would mold him into nothing but insanity. All he had in this life was his feelings, even if they became hard to express.  
He refused to let himself become someone he wasn’t and by the time he latched onto something he truly wanted to be he was in Los Angeles. 

Being a firefighter was something he had never saw himself becoming as a child. There was no rush in saving lives, no adrenaline running toward danger. As a kid he was led to believe that he needed to avoid any sense of attention, to just hide in the shadows and let himself grow without the eyes of anyone around. The eyes that peered in his direction were filled with irritation, judgement and a sense of shame that lingered long into his adulthood.  
It wasn’t until he himself saw the thankfulness, the appreciation and love, that he considered doing it for a living. The craving for adoration overtook his sense of rational thinking and he thanked God everyday that it did. From the moment he started training he felt like he had finally found a home to take him in. Saving lives of people like him, of innocent people just trying to find lives for themselves gave him a purpose so strong he knew he was never meant for anything else.  
He woke up, did his job, and moved on.  
Making friends was just a bonus. 

There were a few downsides to his new life though.  
He soon grew a little tired of the same drug rushing through his veins everyday while on the job. Of course, he still loved what he did, that would never change, but he could only save so many people before realizing he needed someone closer. His team was his family, they would risk their lives for him, but he needed someone to go home to. Someone to worry about him, to welcome him as he walked through the front door and lay in bed with him at night. From experience he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, so he took a shortcut that would make it easier for everyone.  
Everyone except him.  
And it wasn’t even about the sex, not really. It was the touch, the warmth, and even the way they looked at him as they locked eyes from across the bar. They knew his name and they said it out loud without a lingering sense of disappointment. Each body in his bed was close enough for him to hold, to be acknowledged and held back until he was finally able to sleep at night. Even when they left in the morning it gave him time to breathe again and let himself be appreciated even if it was by a stranger.  
They smiled at him and promised him importance all the way up to next morning when they left without a trace of ever coming back to him again.  
But, it was okay. They did their job, really well if he may add, and he couldn’t expect them to stay forever. After all, they had real partners to find and take hold of rather than sit with a one night stand and wipe away his silent tears. 

Even Abby, the way she left was a way he could not ever blame her for. She needed to spread her wings, get a sense of herself and he knew exactly how she felt. To escape a place you felt locked in for years was a wonderful feeling. She was trapped in this apartment, with her mother and ill-colored painted walls everyday until it drove her into madness. The world was never introduced to her in a way that made her love it and he needed to let her go so she could fall in love with it.  
Part of him expected her to come back, he did love her and thought the feeling was reversed. However, he could get over it. It wasn’t the first, it probably wouldn’t be the last. She lost his number, ignored his emails and started a new life somewhere he could never ruin it. And it hurt, of course it did, but that was a very small percentage of heartache compared to the next relationship he lost. 

The 118.

They were the only family he had that he considered the closest thing to blood. Through every conversation, every hug he was pulled into and every promise to be back tomorrow he was genuinely falling in love. Each member of the team burned their name into his heart until he could feel the smoke burning up through his chest. He was smothered with affection until his lips were as blue as his eyes and breathing became hard every time he was around them.  
Eating dinner together, that was new, heading over to each other houses voluntarily, that was also new. Each one of them called his cellphone without being forced and none of their introductions were laced with any hint of bad news on the other end.  
After the fire truck incident they were saving his life, coming over and throwing him parties until he was bursting with anxiety. They saw him at the hospital, dropped the topic of his once again ex-girlfriend and brought him dinners when he wasn’t up to leaving his house. Bobby was calling him son, Eddie was so close to becoming something more than he was in their friendship and his sister was staying permanently this time.  
Even the tsunami was something he was able to get past. It gave him nightmares for weeks, a struggle of control every time he came in contact with any capacity of water and even led him to look at Christopher half the usual amount. He was drowning in guilt despite Eddie’s promises that he trusted him with his son and the team was patient enough to nudge him in the right direction.  
They took care of him in a way everyone before them should have. Picked him up, wrapped him in veneration and kept him on his feet as his world kept trying to shove him out of existence. Even when he felt lonely at home, they still promised him a sanctuary in any of their guestrooms. It was hard still and he was able to voice his opinion without feeling like he was forcing them into his problems, but it was manageable and they kept their word each time. 

He wasn’t alone.

He wouldn’t be left behind.

At least until he made his final mistake.  
Being cut out of his only purpose in life admittedly drove him into a constant state of panic. There was constant anxiety, depression rolling across his shoulders every time his lungs expanded and his patience was quickly draining from his head. The build up broke like a damn and seeing his name covered by Bosko’s became his last breaking point.  
Weakness became his direction and when the lawyer saw that he jumped to take advantage of it. All he could focus on was not being alone again and it drove all of his relationships into ashes on the ground. The flames erupted and lashed out to burn everything in its reach while he stood in the middle and watched his world crumble down.  
Until he was back in the station he didn’t even recognize himself, the things he did or even the words he said until the reality of being shunned fell upon him. They didn’t invite him to their houses anymore, they didn’t save his seat at the table and they refused to hear his issues any longer than they needed to.  
Bobby could barely look at him and it reminded him of his real father and the way the man made him feel. Every time they locked eyes he knew he wasn’t wanted anymore and it was killing him. He was feeling so lost and Eddie-  
Eddie leaving him out the dry was the hardest. He found it harder than Santiago, harder than Abby and even harder than all the connections he had when he left Hershey. At first, he wasn’t sure why the impact was so dreadful, but his mind was quick to spare him with an answer and he didn’t like it. 

Because he was in love with the man. 

Even now, standing in his living room as he forced out word after word of rules which made him wish he never came to LA in the first place. He could see the anger spewing out its hate in all different directions and he could only nod his agreement as his fingers trembled against the all too familiar sofa.  
“After this you can’t just show up unannounced. He is having a tough time with everything already and you being in and out isn’t helping. If you really want to see him that bad we can make a schedule-”  
He was quick to cut the man off as he shook his head and dug his fingers into the surface.  
“This can be it. I understand.”  
The eye roll across the room was more to hurt his feelings than anything, but he understood why he deserved it. He could hear the crutches down the hall and fought back the small smile threatening to choke him at any second.  
“I will only be gone an hour, he did all his homework so you guys can just do whatever it is you do until I get back. When I get back I want you out of the house.”  
Dropping his gaze to the ground he nodded, emotion swelling behind his eyes as he held back the heaviness in his chest. Just the words alone were enough to break him, but the way his former best friend kept looking at him twisted the knife into his gut.  
“I understand.”  
“I don’t even know why you wanted him today- you know I have the odd shift tomorrow and you could just take him then.”  
Eddie was speeding across the room as he adjusted his watch, eyes wandering and making sure he wasn’t forgetting anything important.  
“I have a couple things I have to do tomorrow, I won’t be able to make it down here.”  
“Sure.”

By the time Eddie was gone Buck was down the hall and leaning up against the child’s door frame. Chris was smiling to himself and it made the sobs push further up his throat. The tears were finally pushing through and he could only stand in silence as he watched the small hands color the paper across the table. 

His love for this child was probably the most he has ever loved a person in his entire life. He knew this wasn’t his kid, but a part of him wanted to make sure Chris never felt the neglect that he himself felt when he was that age. Every fiber of his existence swore to protect, cherish and support everything that Christopher decided to do.  
Those eyes were so full of life and he knew that he would never forgive himself if he was the one to dull them down. Even now, as he called the boy's name he knew what he was about to do was the best thing for this small family.  
The Diaz’s deserved the world in their hands and the blond wanted to be the one to put it there. It made him angry that he couldn’t do it, but he also felt a sense of pride at the fact that he wouldn’t be the one to tear them down either. Stepping back wasn’t a decision to be made lightly, but he has been making tough choices his entire life. For the greater good of everyone he had to cut back his feelings and just rip the band aid despite how much blood may come leaking through. 

So, he sat the boy down on the bed, pulled up a chair and tried not to fall apart as he placed a gentle hand on his knee.  
“Hey, buddy, I came by to talk to you about something very important.”  
The small frame was bubbling over in excitement, smiling wide and although it would fall a little in a second, Buck prepared himself for the fact that it was all just part of the plan.  
“Important?”  
He nodded, forcing a smile as his hands began to tremble against the boy's skin.  
“Oh yeah, something I actually only trust with you.”  
“With me?”  
Voice gentle, Chris looked at him in awe, accepting the responsibility without batting an eye.  
Humming gently he pushed himself a little closer to the bed.  
“It’s something that will be a little hard for you to understand, but I know eventually you will get it. Maybe when you’re older.”  
The boy’s eyes dropped to the Buck’s fingers and it was barely avoidable as he forced his other hand to run through the child's curls.  
“What is it?”  
“Well, I have to go away for a little bit.”  
“Away?”  
The curve grew downward, but he was quick to smile back, shaking his head in support.  
“Don’t be upset, it’s not your fault. I promise.”  
“Where are you going?”  
He couldn't bare not having the child in his arms as he pressed forward into the conversation, his hands were itching to hide him from everything wrong in this world even if it was just one more time. So, moving to stand he gently tugged the small body in the air, bringing them down on the bed and pulling the boy into his chest. He held him tightly, unable to look him in the eyes as he knew it would be even more difficult to have to explain past this point.  
“I’m going somewhere far away, a place you won’t be able to go to until you're a lot older than you are now.”  
“Is it because you and dad are fighting?”  
“No, I just think I need a little break- like a vacation.”  
“Like Disney world?”  
He felt a tear begin to escape, closing his eyes as his lips began to tremble under the pressure. He thought he would be able to hold himself together a little longer, but the body in his arms was something he was going to miss more than anything he had ever been taken away from before.  
“Almost, buddy. It’s really close to Disney world.”  
“When are you leaving? Are you going to be back for summer? You said you’d take me to the pier again, remember?”  
The nod rolled off his shoulders before he could stop it, chin resting against the boys head as more tears began to spill from his eyes.  
“Chris, you know how much I love you, right?”  
“Of course, I do! You’re my Buck!”  
The giggle was so gentle and he nodded as the smaller hands reached to play with his light up shoes. He told Eddie he would take the boy to the park, but he wasn’t sure he would have enough time if he didn’t force the words out.  
“You’re right, I’m your Buck. I will always be your Buck, superman. But, it’s because I love you that I have to leave.”  
“Like mom did?”  
His heart jumped in his chest, going cold at the thought of thinking he was abandoning the boy.  
“No, Chris I-”  
But, that is exactly what he was doing. Wasn’t it?  
“It’s okay. Daddy says that sometimes people need a small break, but mommy came back so I know you will come back too!”  
“But, Chris, buddy, I don’t know if..” he held tighter to the weight in his arms, lungs tightening as he struggled to explain this to a child.  
“I don’t think I will be coming back.”  
Almost immediately the boy fought from his arms, turning around with a small glare on his face. The mouth opened to speak, probably to tell, but something changed last minute and he watched the eyes soften as the head tilted to the side.  
“Bucky, why are you crying?”  
Throwing his head in his hands he broke down, feeling the arms around him as he began to plead.  
“You have to know that I love you, Chris. You need to remember that I love you so much.”

When he planned this he actually wrote down over five pages of things he was going to say. He had it saved to his laptop at home, locked away in a cardboard box along with the rest of his things. After his shift yesterday he spent the entire night putting everything away, ready to be moved so that things would be a bit easier for everyone else to take care of.  
If he had just left things where they usually sat it may have been harder on Maddie and she deserved none of that, especially after the last few months she’s had. Between the pregnancy and the anniversary of Doug there was so much on her mind that he didn’t have the heart to burden her any longer. 

“Are you moving away?”  
“Yeah, I think I am.”  
“Where?”  
“I don’t think you need to worry about that right now, buddy.”  
“Then how can I visit you?”  
“You won’t be able to visit me, remember? You have to be older to go where I’m going.”  
“Like how old?“  
“Older than me!”  
He lifted his arms dramatically, ignoring the blur in his vision as he motioned toward the ceiling.  
“But, Buck, what if I miss you?”  
“What, you don’t think I’ll miss you too?”  
“You can’t leave me! You promised that you’d take me to the pier and to the first day of school-”  
The boy was getting worked up, his own tears growing as Buck tried to pull himself closer. Wiggling away he got off his bed, finger pointing at him accusingly.  
“You lied!”  
“Chris-”  
“You said you wouldn’t leave!”  
“I know, I know I said that, but I have to!”  
“Why? Do you hate me?”  
“Christopher Diaz, I could never hate you.”  
He followed the boy off his bed, falling to his knees and wrapping his hands around the small face.  
“I could never hate you, do you understand?”  
“Then why are you leaving me?”  
“Because I’m so tired.”  
“Then take a nap!”  
“It’s not like that-”  
“Then what is it?”  
“I’m just not happy anymore.”  
The silence was like a flash of light, too blinding and he opened his mouth a few times, but had nothing to say. Chris looked like he was thinking harder, staring into him with his own red-rimmed eyes as if he was deciding what to say.  
“Does daddy know?”  
Buck shook his head.  
“Does Maddie know?”  
He shook his head again.  
“Will leaving them make you happy?”  
“No, it won’t. But, staying here doesn’t make me happy either. I know it’s hard to understand, but one day, if you remember me, you will be able to.”  
“I will always remember you, Bucky.”  
“You promise?”  
Christopher only smiled. 

They played at the park for about half an hour, Eddie messaged him saying he would be a bit early and just meet him in the parking lot. Buck hadn’t even bothered responding, just watching the boy play for the last time.  
Despite what everyone thought, Buck never wanted to have kids. He was terrified to become anything like his parents and refused to put any child through that. There was never a desire, not even if he found anyone, but the moment he met Chris he felt something shift.  
This kid was the only thing that could make him feel like he would be a good father. The trust the kid put in his hands, the way he loved him through every tantrum, it was like it was almost a sign that things could have gone right. But, the moment he lost his way he knew it was too good to be true.  
Everything had to come to an end eventually and being left behind again took it’s last toll. Buck loved with everything he was because no one had ever done that with him. When you feel so low that you considered doing what he was planning to do, you get this feeling of protection for everyone around you. The idea of someone feeling the sadness enveloped in him drove him into madness, because no one he cared about deserved to feel that way. They needed to feel loved, appreciated and even to know that someone was thinking about them despite what they thought. His job was to lift people up until his arms couldn’t reach anymore and sit there until exhaustion rung him out. 

“Daddy!”  
Shook from his thoughts he lifted his gaze to the other side of the small park, Eddie locking his car as he quickly made his way into the area. He smiled at his son, holding out his arms for a hug as Buck stayed seated where he was. He had no place with this family anymore and as Eddie headed over he simply moved across the bench and kept his eyes low.  
“Thank you for watching him.”  
“Of course, Eddie.”  
“Maybe we can..” the voice sounded hesitant as Eddie sat his son on the ground to put on his shoes, “talk? I get off tomorrow at six and Chris has a sleepover after school.”  
“I can’t, I have plans-”  
“That's right, sorry. How about Saturday after our shift?”  
His stomach dropped as he nodded, looking at Christopher who tensed while sliding on his shoe.  
“That’s fine.”  
They sat in silence until it got uncomfortable, Chris still silent as he made his way across the bench to grab his backpack. Buck felt his eyes growing warm again, forcing his hands into his thighs as they threatened him with emotion.  
“Buck, you know I don’t hate you, right?”  
Forcing a nod he bit his lip, looking away as he forced himself up from the seat.  
“Yeah, I know.”  
Faking a look to his watch he sighed out an obnoxious breath, getting a point across that he was ready to leave.  
“Okay, then I’ll see you this weekend.”  
Buck nodded again, hesitantly reaching out to pull the man into a hug. Eddie tensed, obviously surprised at the feeling before he wrapped his own arms gently around his friend.  
“You alright-”  
Without answering he felt arms around his leg, pulling away only to lift Christopher up against his hip. The boy looked heartbroken, but kept silent as he hung around the man’s neck like a monkey.  
“I love you, Buck.” He whispered.  
“I love you too, Christopher. Be strong for me, okay? Go to the pier with your dad and don’t forget me, okay?”  
He nodded as his feet hit the ground, Buck letting go as Eddie replaced his hold. They shared one glance, both silent and with that they were walking away. 

Neither looked back.


	2. A Really Rough Sketch of Continuation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact; The title of this chapter is what the title of my google docs is called. I really must have struggled trying to decide on how to continue this story, haha.

Hey y'all, I was searching through my rough drafts in my google drive and came across a couple continuations of this one-shot. They are really rough and full of errors, but a lot of you are seeming to want some sort of ending to this so I thought I would give you a chance to read the jumble of disaster. I skimmed through it and don't really feel like editing it, it isn't even finished, but it's fairly long and if you guys really want me to post it just to give you a sense of what I was thinking, or even give you a prompt for you to finish it, I don't mind. Just let me know if you would rather keep the open ending, or read what I scribbled down all those months ago when I posted this. 

Thanks, I really appreciate all of your support and love on my works!  
Have a safe, blessed year.


	3. But Maybe They Can Find me a Name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually very surprised to see how many people commented within just a few hours regarding my last post, well, here you go. Thank you for all the support and hope you enjoy this little scrabble.

He sat on the floor of his loft, surrounded by boxes with tears streaming down his face so harshly he almost couldn’t see past them. He has spent the better part of the morning sitting there, staring out the windows down at the city with a goodbye resting impatiently on his lips. Part of him wanted to draw this out for as long as he could, breathing in as much air into his lungs as possible to ease some of the fear; But, the gun sitting in front of him was a darker insistence, stealing his attention with an empty promise to make all of his pain finally go away.   
Dragging his sleeve across his face he cleared a bit of his vision, air struggling past his lips as he gasped more anxiety into his lungs. The trembling of his fingers were so viscous and although he kept them hidden away in his sweatshirt sleeves he could still see the shaking through the fabric. There was no hiding all the emotions boiling beneath the surface and without another wasted minute he quickly picked up the cell phone next to his thigh. 

Dialing Maddie’s number he knew she deserved a goodbye, even if she figured out he needed help, there would be no time to get down to save him. He really didn’t need saving, he chose this himself. It was meant to come to this and it was no one's fault really, it was as he told the child yesterday, he just wasn’t happy anymore.   
Receiving her voicemail was the best case scenario, her voice asking him to leave a message forced a heavy sigh from his lungs as he dropped his head into his hand. It was relieving that he didn’t have to hear her cry or ask him what was wrong, she probably wouldn’t even receive the message any time soon.   
“Hey Mads. I am just calling to tell you I love you, I know there has been a lot of things going on recently and it’s nice to hear a reminder that things are going to be okay. Things will always be okay, regardless of how hard it gets and I need you to know that. You being here these last two years has been a blessing, I appreciate everything you have done for me. I just wanted you to know it meant the world and when I see you again maybe this will all be worth it. Stay strong, Mads. Okay? I love you so much.”  
Cutting himself off he hung up, dropping the phone and hearing it slide across the surface beneath him. His hands wasted no time grabbing the gun, pushing back his sobs as he looked far out beyond the skyline.   
This was it.   
Every person he ever cared about ran through his mind and as he closed his eyes he felt everything finally slow down.   
His team, his family, every disappointed look and yet, every smiling face merged into one meaningful portrait painted across his mind. They all stared at him, urging him on and for the first time in what felt like years he felt a real smile smear itself across his face. His chest shook with the wet smear of a cry pulled from his lungs and he knew that for once he was making the right decision for himself. The pull calmed him down as he turned off the safety feature, pressed the weight against his temple and just let himself be free. 

Everyone would be fine.

Everything will be okay.

His phone vibrated across the floor, his body jumped, eyes opening for a second as his head turned toward the sound. Eddie’s name was flashing across the screen and he was almost tempted to answer it, but as his free hand wrapped around the object he simply forced it into silence.   
But then it rang again.   
His eyebrows grew tighter together, a frown on his lips as he lowered the gun to the ground with shaky hands. The thought of Christopher hurt had him bringing his cell to his ear, but halfway up he cursed himself, dropping it back down with a grimace.   
It wasn’t his problem anymore. They would be fine without him, they didn’t need him and Christopher already got his goodbye.   
Sirens down the street stole his attention, a small sense of grief for his job barely pushed past his skull and he forced it out, screaming at himself as he slid the phone away and reached once again for his way out.   
The weight in his hand wasn’t able to clear his mind again, but closing his eyes he forced all the other thoughts away. It didn’t matter what he would miss, the burden on his shoulders were finally going to be lifted and within seconds from now he was going to be wrapped in the arms of silence.   
There would be no more pain, no more sorrow, and everything around him was going to just stop. 

Ignoring the vibrations for the final time he let his body sag, forcing the sirens away and pressing his pointer finger against the trigger. 

He whispered a small goodbye, not even sure who it was for and it was soft and quiet to the point where the door slamming behind him stomped it out of existence. Jumping out of his skin he turned, eyes widening at the sight of Eddie rushing so quickly into the room that he took down a few boxes. The man’s eyes were rimmed in red and as they locked on his own he felt his heart pummel into his chest. 

“What are you doing here?”  
It's all he could form, his heart beat so strong it could have taken him over.   
But, he got no response, at least not in words and within seconds he was being tackled across the floor. Underneath the body he struggled, speechless as he watched the gun get thrown heavily across the room. In the chaos of movement it shot off, the sound echoing across the room and he swore it hit him in the chest. He felt a strong pain and he couldn’t breathe as he watched the tears come back full force.   
“What the fuck?”  
The voice was full of terror and he didn't recognize it, Eddie mumbling the words over and over again as he felt his face rub painfully against the floor. On top of him the weight was heavy, taking his breath away as another voice screamed down the hall.  
“Evan!”  
It was Maddie.   
Oh god, it was Maddie and he began to feel terror strike him, the sobs were breaking through as the arms around tensed before forcefully flipping him onto his back. The brown eyes were rimmed in a deep red, tear tracks trailing down his cheeks as he began screaming in his place over Buck’s head.   
“What the fuck were you thinking? What were you thinking, Buck?”  
He shook his head, heels racing toward his door and he screamed back, no words, just agony as he fell limp across the floor.   
Eddie must have had nothing else to say and as he pulled the younger man against his chest he leaned back against a stack of boxes.   
Buck would feel the arms around him, one holding his waist as the other stayed locked around his head. The lips in his curls pushed further and he swore he could feel the tears dripping into his scalp.   
“Eddie! Evan!”  
Maddie sounded petrified, even as it was clear she was in the room and falling to the ground behind them. Her hands on his back clutched his sweatshirt so hard he heard a tear as she spit out her twisted weeps.   
“Oh god- oh god!”

He was the last one to stop crying and it was only because the other two forced themselves into attention as soon as more feet made themselves known down the hall. It was clear they were for him and as a bag fell beside them Eddie only held tighter.   
“Where’s Christopher?” Another old friend.  
“He’s still downstairs with Carla, he’s okay.”  
The tone was nothing but professional, trying to block out anything personal as Hen began jumping into the situation.  
“Where is Bobby?”   
“He’s right behind us, Eddie, let me check him for-”   
“It was a gun, he’s not hurt- he’s not hurt.”  
Another press of a kiss fell against his head, arms around him beginning to lose their strength as the situation started to calm down. He could feel them shaking and Maddie’s hand finally pulled away from his back.   
“Eddie, let me check him.”

By the time the team was around them he could hear the sirens wailing loudly in the parking lot, he never realized how loud they truly were until his moment. They beat out his sobs and even in silence he threatened to fall apart again. His emotions were unstable and the moment Eddie tried to pull away he could feel his heartbeat through his chest.   
Hands were working around them and he could hear the wheels of the gurney behind him as they skid across the floor.   
“We need to get him to the hospital, Eddie.”  
Bobby’s voice was strong, Buck recognized the one he used on calls the moment it all became too personal. He knew the man was holding something back, but he didn’t want to see it. The idea of his team seeing him like this had him burrowing further into the older man’s hold.  
“Don’t let them see me- not like this. Please, Eddie, please! Don’t let them!”  
His pleads were heavy and his attempts at keeping the words between just them was worthless as his sob built up. His breaths were so painful and he knew he was falling into a panic attack before Chimney called it behind him.   
The arms tugging at his waist ripped a scream through his throat and he shook his head, begging Eddie not to let go as their grip began to break.   
“I don’t want to go back! Stop- please! Don’t make me go back!”  
His hands hid his face as another pair of arms grabbed him, dragging him across the floor until the familiar feel of a gurney was underneath him. He curled on his side, trying to grow smaller as he prayed this was a dream.

He couldn’t even die right. 

They rolled into the parking-lot where the sirens ripped through his head, it distracted him from the needles pressing past his skin, but still forced him into a tighter ball as he was growing closer to the ambulance. Hen was talking to him, trying to calm him down as Chimney continued adjusting the medical equipment, but he didn’t want to hear it.   
“Buck, you’re okay. Listen to me, breathe, baby, just breathe.”  
“What happened?”  
Athena was next to him, hand in his hair as her voice grew more solid.   
“What the hell happened?”

He doesn’t remember things going dark, but waking up in bed to solid beeping was more than enough an explanation. Everything felt numb and he slowly ran his fingers across the sheets as he forced his eyes open.   
The white was expected, the man across from him was not.   
It wasn’t hard to spot Eddie lying limply across a chair, sound asleep with soft snores escaping his lips. He looked exhausted and even unconscious his fingers were trembling across his stomach. A part of him wanted to get up, run away before he could be reminded of his failure; but, before he could sit up the door across the room began to slide open. Panic filled him at the thought of it being any of the people he knew were probably outside and as the monitor picked up he heard Eddie shuffle in his seat.   
“Mr. Buckley? It’s just me, I’m your nurse.”  
Calming himself down he fell wearily into the sheets and let his eyes follow the woman as she stepped inside and closed the door. She had a small binder in her arms and sent him a smile as she came around the bed.   
“How are you feeling, hun?”  
She checked the machines next to him as he observed her. She must have been in her thirties, young, but experienced as she made her way around the equipment without a glance in his direction. He appreciated the space and her small hands carefully worked their way into his space to check the IVs in his arm.  
“You woke up a little earlier, you probably don’t remember. It was a little nerve wracking and you ripped out the needle rather painfully.”  
Looking down he noticed the irritation just a few centimeters from where the needle and tape was now.   
“Do you want any water?”  
Her eyes locked on where his tongue was running across his lips, forcing him to shake his head as he aimed himself away from her.   
“That’s okay, besides, when Mr. Diaz wakes up I am sure he will get you whatever you need. We can’t seem to get him out of that chair.”  
Her smile was so warm and she dropped her papers at the end of the bed before making her way to his other side. She explained the things he already knew, the call button next to his hand and that if he needed anything to just let her know. He wanted to ask about going home, but knew it was worthless before he opened his mouth. 

After she left he fell back to sleep rather quickly, body exhausted and struggling to keep awake. He was normally a light sleeper, but the fact that he woke up with Eddie in the bed next to him proved he was more out of it than he thought.   
The father was as close as he could be without pulling Buck into his arms and as much as he wanted to get closer, he felt like such a waste of his time. He shouldn’t be here, not at all, and lying in this bed everything was filling his mind to the point he felt it was going to explode. The pressure of his thoughts were forcing more tears through his eyes and he forced them closed as his hands raced up to clutch against his skull.   
He could feel his nails forcing pressure against his skin and by the time the first whimper broke through there were arms wrapping around him.   
“Buck? Hey-” Shushing filled his ears as he was pulled against the chest and he tried desperately to not fall into it. His hands were being pulled away, but he wanted to hide in any hole he could to avoid the reality he was now sitting in. Everything ached, his soul was shredded into pieces, and as the voice above him spoke he just wanted to give up.   
“I got you, it’s okay. Everything's going to be okay.”

Over the next 24 hours those cries were all they heard from him. Eddie was by his side every time he woke up, holding his hand until it was ripped away, giving him support every step of the way. Maddie stopped by, eyes void of anything as she sat next to him and just held him in a hug. She didn’t need to say anything and he didn’t either, they just sat silently until Chimney came through the door and she kissed his forehead goodbye.   
He felt incomplete, like nothing was real and by the time he was being sat up in the bed to go home he was lost.   
Eddie was pulling a new sweatshirt over his head as Hen stood next to him, pulling a pair of sweatpants out of a backpack she had next to her side. He recognized his own sitting in the chair and watched as she pulled out some socks and sandals next.   
“Easy, Cariño, just breathe.”  
His vision was still blurry, but as his arms were lifted over his head and tugged into the sleeves Eddie didn’t seem to mind. The two helped him slide on his pants next and he knew he could do it himself, but his limbs felt so heavy. Even sliding on his socks he could feel exhaustion sinking in and flinched at the soft tissue brushing against his skin.   
“Just me.”  
“Eddie, maybe it’s not time to take him home-”  
“He’s coming home.”  
He felt the heat of the chest in front of him as Eddie leaned over his back, adjusting something behind him as he mumbled back to Hen under his breath. He couldn’t help but lean into it and felt the arm tightening around him even after the body returned upright.   
“I’m going to stay home with him, I scheduled off to see my parents anyway.”  
“And when you have to come back in two weeks?”  
“I’ll see where we are and work with it. He’s not staying here alone, I would never do that to him.”  
“Maybe it’s for the best. They can help him, give him the help he needs.”  
“Lock him in a room and shove medication down his throat, right. Because that's what Buck needs right now.”  
The voice was firm, but he had never seen Eddie so gentle as he began helping him off the bed and into a wheelchair. Buck wanted to argue that he could walk, but the moment he was lowered down he didn’t really have the will to get back up again. The sturdy frame against him was pulled away and as a blanket fell into his lap he knew where he was going.   
“Eddie..”  
“I left him once and look what happened. I am not leaving him again, I’d rather him be with me and like this than alone again.”

He tugged his hood over his head as they left the room and his shaky fingers tried desperately to hide himself away in the blankets. A part of him thought he could hide forever, but he could already hear the voices of his team down the hall and he was back to being overwhelmed.   
“Carla is outside in the car, I called a few people and texted you a couple names. It would be best to get someone to talk to him right away-”  
“Thanks, cap. I think he just needs some rest and we can start all of the other things tomorrow.”  
“Okay, keep in touch. Athena is heading to you after her shift so expect her around four.”  
The wheels came to a stop for a second and as much as he refused to look he could feel all the teammates around him. The hands falling against his shoulder were so gentle and the voice in his ear spoke so low he knew it was just intended for him.   
“Hey, Buckaroo. I’m going to stop by to see you tomorrow. Get some rest and if you need anything you call me, alright?”  
Without expecting a response the voice was gone, wheels continuing their push forward until doors slid open and fresh air was rushing through him. He knew the mornings were still growing chillier, but the shiver down his spine was heavy. He was thankful for the blanket and looked up just in time to see the car door in front of him. Eddie reached around him, opening it rather quickly as Carla walked around from the other side, rubbing his shoulders and mumbling under her breath.   
“Let’s get you up, baby, grab my hand.”  
He didn’t bother, but her words must have just been a warning as she was already grabbing his arm and pulling him up from the chair. Eddie was doing the same on his other side and within seconds he was lifted and sat in the back of the familiar truck. The blanket around him was returned and he felt the skin around him as the man reached for the seatbelt.   
“Alright, let’s get you home, Buck. Maybe grab you something to eat.”

By the time the door was shut he heard the commotion around him, the two sliding into the front seats before the tires underneath began moving. As they pulled into traffic he couldn’t help but test the door, frowning at the child lock before curling into his seat. He wasn’t going to try again, there was no point, and as the music was turned on he let himself lean into the air around him.

They stepped into the house and he felt the air leave his lungs, the familiar view something he never thought he would see again. He was led to the familiar couch and frowned heavily, not wanting to sit, but following the shift as Eddie motioned him to.   
“Christopher gets out of school early today, so if you wouldn’t mind grabbing him for me.”  
“I have it all taken care of, Eddie. Don’t worry about it. Why don’t you sit down-”   
“I’m going to heat up some of that soup Karen made, he hasn’t eaten in who knows how long. Need to get something in his system.”  
The body was gone within seconds and part of him wanted it to come back, but the sudden closeness also put him on edge. The last he remembered the man wanted nothing to do with him, he was thrown away and told not to come back. But, now, the way he was brought here and taken care of was riddling his nerves with discomfort. He didn’t feel right being here, he didn’t belong here and as Carla disappeared down the hall he forced himself to stare at the blank TV screen. His reflection looked dreadful, wrapped in a blanket that was falling slowly off his shoulder as the tear stains across his face threatened to grow again. The overwhelming sense of pain made him want to run out that door, but he knew he lost his chance and waited motionless for the man to come back. Although from the sounds of voices rising in the kitchen it may just be a while. 

“Alright, I know you’re tired, but you have to get something in your stomach first.”  
He wanted to take a shower.   
“Do you want to do this yourself?”  
Looking down he noticed the spoon held in front of him, hands itching to reach out and grab the utensil, but not finding the will to.   
Eddie seemed patient, holding it there for a couple minutes until it was clear neither of them were moving.   
“That’s alright, here.”  
It pushed until it was clear Buck wasn’t going to eat it, Eddie sighing before guiding the bowl to the other end of the table.   
“It’s okay.”   
Fingers ran through his hair, forcing him to lean into the touch.  
“You tired? The medicine is probably still in your system, how about we get you a bit of sleep and then try food again later,”  
Not bothering to nod he once again let himself be manhandled and forced his feet to move across the house.   
All this motion was tiring him and by the time he hit the mattress of Eddie’s bed he was out.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 (800) 273 - 8255


End file.
